.png)
I sat down to work on some TikTok content the other day and had one of those life affirming moments of clarity. In the midst of unraveling my own trauma and some freshly ignited PTSD triggers, it occurred to me in that moment that I had become the person that I needed in 2008 when I left my abusive marriage.
I naively thought that our marital issues were just between us--differences in parenting styles. The reality is that he was an abusive person, who was essentially a dictator in the home and rarely participated in any of the daily parenting or nurturing of the kids. I truly believe that if I left, he would step up and actually have to parent--that it would be better for the kids. I know--it sounds crazy to me now too, but I had no idea what I was dealing with. I hadn't even put the pieces together that he was abusive--I just thought he was an asshole. I didn't even know what the term narcissist meant beyond someone who liked themselves a lot.
When the term narcissist was introduced to me shortly after, I remember spending hours on the internet, basking in the validation and finally having the key to understanding my experiences. I wasn't crazy. I searched and searched for information about how to help my kids through the years ahead. I found plenty of information (not near what's available now) about how to heal from having a narcissistic parent as an adult, but where was the information about how to mitigate the damage NOW? It didn't exist.
So I did what I knew were the "right things". I didn't involve the kids in discussions about money, child support, or custody. I encouraged them to enjoy the time at their dad's and I certainly never bad mouthed or said negative things about him to or in front of the kids (as they got older into their teens this became harder and I definitely strayed into that area on occasion, but it was generally in response to something specific that had happened or come up). In fact, I remember telling them things like "I know your dad loves you, he just doesn't do a good job of showing it" Spoiler Alert: DON'T DO THIS!!--you're teaching your kids what love looks like and reinforcing that love is manipulative, punitive, and abusive.
The term CAMS didn't exist back then and I'm grateful to Dr. Emma Katz for her work and for bringing this important piece of the puzzle into the national spotlight. Divorcing and coparenting with an abuser is nothing like coparenting with a healthy individual. Not understanding that can have devastating effects on your ability to parent and stay connected to your children, affecting your relationship with them well into their adulthood.
The short version (because I will be devoting a lot of energy going forward focused on the nuanced details of CAMS--complete with real life examples of what it looked like for me and how terribly I responded, making things worse) is that CAMS is when a father works to intentionally sever the bond that a mother has with her child(ren). Yes, I know it can go both ways and women can be abusers, but the truth is that in our society, and especially in the family court system, it is disproportionally happening to women. Child And Mother Sabotage (CAMS).
This is where I found myself the other day, sitting in front of my computer, realizing that with my recent coercive control certification from Dr. Christine Cocchiola (highly recommend you check out her resources), and the many years of unpacking and understanding my own trauma and triggers, I have absolutely become the resource that I needed back in 2008.
It was an emotional moment because it also means that I understand all the ways that I failed my kids on a whole new level. I can think of so many specific situations where in hindsight, I see clearly that my kids were in their own trauma responses. I see how they adopted behaviors that mimicked their father and how triggering that was for me--and how poorly I was able to manage my own responses. I see how I failed to recognize and help them validate their emotions and connect those to their physical bodies and sensations. I couldn't show up for them in the ways they needed me to emotionally because I couldn't even do that for myself.
It is a very difficult pill to swallow. But while I work to get it down, I want to invite you to join me. I'm creating space and using a variety of social media platforms to continue the conversation and build support communities that are accessible to every mother facing the challenge of coparenting with their abuser.
If you're a mom and you're experiencing this, or if you're a mom who did experience this and you feel like you've "lost" your kids in any way, I hope that you'll join me over on Patreon. I will be using that as a centralized place for this specific content, with the goal of providing group style coaching events for members in the near future. The account and majority of the content is public at the moment, but there is and will be more personal content available only to members (which is also free at the moment).
Coparenting with an abuser is a special kind of nightmare. Understanding what you're dealing with and doing your own healing work will be a game changer for you.
I hope you will join me.
Comentarios