Is Coercive Control Lurking in Your Life?

Or is it sitting there in the recliner in the middle of the living room, barking orders at the kids, insulting you, and not participating at all in the parenting or running of the household? You can check out my Coercive Control 101 blog for the basics, but boiled down, if you live in an environment where you feel like you're walking on eggshells or where the energy of said environment seems to swirl around one (often unpredictable) person, then you are likely living under coercive control--the root of all domestic abuse.

When your child gets up after they've gone to bed, seeking comfort or needing something, do they stop at the parent in the recliner, who is literally feet from their bedroom door, or do they try to sneak past him real quick to get to you in the kitchen--where you're washing the dinner dishes? And when he sees said child and kicks them in the rear on the way by and tells them to get back to bed and cut the cord (because how dare a child need their mother), do you even bother saying anything to him about how he's not even hugged or touched that child in a loving way in over two weeks? Probably not because that would just lead to The Lecture.

When you tell him that you don't like it when he pumps gas with the engine running with your kids strapped in carseats in the back, does he make sure that he does exactly that every single time? When you ask him to slow down on the small dirt road that you're sliding all over with your kids again in the backseat, does he speed up and become more erratic, laughing and telling you to calm down while the kids squeal because they are kids...wheeeeeeeeeeee.

When you made friends and started walking in the mornings after you dropped your kids off, did he suddenly decide that you couldn't afford the gas money to keep driving them to school each day, so he made them take the bus? Did he call you selfish when you told him how happy you were after you'd moved to the middle of nowhere and actually made a few new friends and got involved in some community organizations?

Do "arguments" feel more like a never-ending circle of accusations and demands that you go along with whatever it is they have determined is the only right answer--where they repeat over and over "You don't understand" and no matter how much you say "No--I do understand--I don't agree", the more they double down? Do you give in eventually just to stop the never-ending onslaught of false accusations and absurdity?

When your wife and kids have spent literal months traipsing back and forth down the two-tenths of mile long mud pit that is your driveway (because it has become impassable with your vehicle), lugging everything from school backpacks and groceries to large bags of dog food--in the cold and rain--and he gets a nice bonus at the out-of-town work conference--Does he have that driveway maintained, or does he show up with a dune buggy?

When you finally have enough and you borrow a trailer to pick up 3/4 ton of crushed concrete, back that sucker halfway down the driveway in the rain and unload every bit of it with a shovel into the mudpit that was the driveway, hook up a railroad tie with chains to the back of your truck and drive back and forth over it trying to level it out as best you can...does he come home and tell you as he's driving over it with you in the passenger seat "You know what you should have done..."?

When he's gone for weeks at a time, is your life better? Are you happier? Are your kids happier? When you know he's coming home, do you get a knot in your stomach? Coercive control.

The thing to understand about coercive control is that is not just one thing. It is a pattern of behaviors, and it is a culture that permeates systems. The damage that growing up in this kind of environment does on children's development and the trauma that it leaves them with as adults is one of (IMO) the most under-acknowledged root causes of the majority of mental health issues being treated in this country --anxiety, depression, self-harm, addiction, etc.

This blog isn't meant to scare you. It's meant to start some conversations and to get women thinking. Because if any of this sounds familiar, or if you are still having to co-parent with an abuser, understanding how it has already affected your kids--and you--will be a game changer in mitigating the damage on their developing sense of who they are, as well as their attachment to you as the healthy parent.

I saw a quote today that was along the lines of "Let the water of your storms water others' flowers" and it struck me. It's not much different than the idea of climbing out of a hole and then reaching back to help others climb out as well. Man, I feel like I had to claw myself up out of that hole barefoot with mittens on--and quite frankly, I'm not sure I don't still have at least one leg still trying to get up over the ledge. I do know I'm strong enough to start reaching back though--and that Dr. Cocchiola has given us a rope to help expedite the excavation.

This certification and ability to specialize in helping healthy parents is me reaching back. Ha. My guy just stepped into my office to let me know that he's seeing several days out that we will likely be impacted later in the week by hurricane Helene out in the gulf--mostly higher than normal winds and some rain--so I guess those storms are coming back to water my own flowers too.

Bring it on, Helene. I'm ready.

I am thrilled to announce my Coercive Control Certification through Dr. Christine Cocchiola, of Coercive Control Consulting, Inc. . I feel empowered and equipped to help guide you, the healthy parent through the co-parenting challenges of coercive control victimization. Thank you, Dr. C, for giving us the rope and your voice.

Please fill out my contact form to set up a consultation and let's get started on taking back the healthy parts of who you are.