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Hindsight can be a real bitch. Looking back you can see so clearly how things played out. You can see the moments where you said "This feels bad" and kept going anyway. I mean, what else can you do when you're eight months pregnant, standing in the doorway of your bedroom, arguing with your husband about the fact that you have been using and really do need those pillows that were on the bed to prop your belly on? The pillows that he has gone to bed before you to gather for his own use and refuses to give back? I don't even remember the resolution to this situation, though if I had to guess, I'd guess that I went and grabbed some couch pillows or something. You win. You're more important.
What I recall most about that moment, standing in the doorway, uncomfortable and 8 months pregnant, was being absolutely gob smacked that this man, who was my husband, was refusing to give me the pillows that I had been using (and needed) because he suddenly needed them. I literally couldn't wrap my head around it. I'm pretty sure for at least the first minute of the exchange, I thought he was joking. Nope.
The thing that I have come to understand is that pregnancy and babies are huge triggers for people with narcissistic behavior patterns. The bottom line is that they can't deal with anyone in their circle getting more attention than they are--like you when you're pregnant. And if pregnancy lights the fuse, nine months later when the baby arrives...BOOM. Now all of your attention is on the baby, and the baby is attached and connected to you.
I don't believe that narcissists really ever want kids. They want the image that kids bring. They want the happy family image that they can brag about with clients when they're on sales calls. They want the happy little family to bring to the company Christmas party. They want to take the kids to events and have them shaking hands and "yes, sir'ing" everyone. "My, what well behaved children you have!"
They can't connect to babies because babies don't have anything to offer them. They don't know what to do with them because babies need them to demonstrate love, attachment, connection, and they are incapable of those things. They become angry or frustrated with a fussy baby--and seem to take it personally. They resent the attention that you're giving the baby.
I remember one evening, standing in the kitchen trying to make dinner. Our 3-month-old was a bit colicky, and I'd asked my husband to hold the baby and watch the toddler while I made something for us to eat (never mind that he could have taken care of that part). I remember looking through the little bar overpass from the kitchen to the living room and seeing him sitting there on the edge of the couch with our baby propped up on his shoulder. The baby was crying. My husband was watching something on tv and patting the baby's back like he had a sack of potatoes he was half-heartedly trying to make sure didn't fall off. My heart broke.
It's hard for me to look back on that moment and know that it really never got any better--that those babies just grew up, started walking, talking, and learning early on how not to upset him. Pretty little picture.
Hindsight has me looking at those moments...standing in the hallway, mouth open, not believing what I'm experiencing as he holds all the pillows hostage--and listening to the baby cry as I looked over the bar to see him fixated on the tv and patting the baby like a robot. I know that I was so wrapped up in survival mode by then that I couldn't have taken the time to think about what those incidents meant in the bigger picture, or how those same behaviors would continue to manifest in our lives and affect the way our children developed, their sense of security and who they are in this world.
I know that if I had taken the time, or if I had even the slightest idea of what was to come or how it would impact my children, it certainly wouldn't have taken me another nine years to leave.
If you are in a relationship with someone who is abusive, controlling, narcissistic, or in any way giving you a feeling that something is off or not right, please know that having a baby with this person will not change them or their behaviors.
And if you are pregnant or have recently had a baby and are noticing accuracies in what I've said here, please do what you can to educate yourself about narcissistic personality disorders. It won't get better, and you can make a difference for that baby just by understanding what you're dealing with--whether you choose to leave or not.
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