Psychological Maltreatment 101: A Lesson on the World Stage

I've done a lot of work to heal myself over the last 8 years. Specifically that means understanding the generational trauma that I've been carrying around my whole life and how it lied to me about who I was and what I deserved, my value. It means understanding why I was so willing to abandon myself for the sake of others--their needs, their ideas of what a partnership looked like, their idea of who I was. I understand why I was so willing to ignore my gut and the literal voices in my head saying "What are you doing?!" before I even said "I do." I understand why I tolerated less than I deserved at best and outright abuse at worst--for 13 more years.

"But he never hit me"

I understand triggers and trauma responses. I know what those trauma responses feel like in my body and I know how painful it can be to have to go back to that trauma and all the feelings that come with it. I know anyone who has experienced narcissistic abuse and the psychological maltreatment that comes with it, who witnessed what the President and Vice President of the United States did to President Zelensky in the Oval Office was triggered. I still am.

I don't even have to outline the reasons for those of you that have been on the receiving end of one of these verbal attacks. What happened there in the Oval Office for all the world to see was shameful for many reasons. But it's also the most visible example of that style of attack and abuse that I've ever seen.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS BEHIND CLOSE DOORS. When victims talk about a mask, this is what happens at home when the mask falls off. This is the part that the victim can't explain because no one believes this person capable of such behavior. There it was, for all the world to see.

Behind closed doors this would have continued for much longer, until you submitted, you expressed enough gratitude, you claimed responsibility for your incompetence, you bowed in compliance or agreed to their terms.

This is the experience that victims of psychological maltreatment and abuse spend their entire existence in the relationship trying to avoid. Walking on eggshells, waiting until "just the right moment" to bring something up, praying to god it doesn't trigger one of these attacks. Being talked down to, yelled at, belittled and accused of being ungrateful, irresponsible--putting you on defense, trying to get a word in, not listening to anything you say or responding to your efforts to calm the situation by doubling down on their accusations and demanding penance for your obvious transgressions and shortcomings. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

If you've experienced this, I hope you are taking care of yourself today as you process the trauma response. You're not alone. If you are currently experiencing this kind of abuse, I hope you can get out soon. You deserve better. And if you've had the luck to get this far in your life without being in any kind of relationship with someone like this (an abuser with narcissistic behavior patterns of psychological maltreatment), I hope this gives you a little perspective and a better understanding of what that experience is like for victims.

I've been purposefully doing the work to heal and understand my experiences for 8 years. I have accepted the idea that the corrupt systems are crumbling and that our country is in a very painful process of transformation. I am choosing to believe that this worldwide spotlight on narcissism and the demonstration of the abusive behaviors on the world stage is part of that process. Understanding. I know through my own journey that understanding is the biggest catalyst for change. Perhaps this is where we are, America.