The Debate and Family Court: Abuse on Stage

I wasn't home when the debate started last Thursday, which was fine because I didn't want to watch it anyway. I knew what would happen. I got home before it was over though, so turned it on late just to see if I was right. I caught about 15 seconds of a Biden answer, then Jake Tapper asks a clearly expressed and appropriate policy question--to which the former guy says "Back to what I was saying..." and launches into a nonsensical word salad full of lies that had absolutely nothing to do with the question. Click. No thanks.

Since that night I've heard over and over again about what a poor performance Biden made, and I can't help but make a connection here. Biden was the protective parent. By any meaningful measure (economy, jobs, etc.), he is doing a good job for our country. He had all of that to stand on--to speak on. The former guy is literally a convicted felon, who tried to overthrow the government to stay in power and stole top secret national security documents that he stored in the bathroom at his tacky golf resort (just to hit some of the highlights). He's the abuser.

So what happened? Why was it so bad? (I still haven't--and won't--watch). What happened is the same thing that happens to narcissistic abuse victims. The verbal assaults, projections delivered as accusations, talking in circles, disregarding any input you might have. It's almost like they have a playbook. Former guy was given the perfect environment for that kind of assault--and that's exactly what it was and is when you're experiencing it. An assault.

Being on the receiving end of one of these narcissistic verbal assaults is dysregulating and confusing. Words are twisted, intentions questioned. You're left feeling attacked, and unsure of how or where to begin with any kind of response to what you've just been hit with. In an abusive relationship, what this ends up looking like is the person on the receiving end of these assaults learns that the only correct response is usually none--because it won't matter what you say or how clearly or carefully you express yourself. The other option is agreement--which doesn't always mean the lecture about why you were wrong in the first place is going to end.

Imagine years of that. Imagine being brave enough one day to say that you're not going to accept that kind of life anymore and filing for divorce, only to find yourself having to face this person in a court--where the judge doesn't know either of you. Imagine how triggering it would be to have to sit across from that person at mediation and respond to all of that just right--to not let yourself get triggered into the emotional responses that will make you look like the crazy one in the court's eyes.

It's clear to me that Biden doesn't have anyone on his team that really understands narcissism, or they would have never wanted to do the debates in the first place. You're giving a stage to the world's most dangerous narcissist and you're sending in a troop that is ill-equipped to handle him. There's nothing to debate--these men have both shown who they are. The "debate" was nothing more than a bully pulpit for the abuser--just like family court.

If you're finding yourself a little prickly and triggered lately, I feel you. It feels a little like we're living in the twilight zone with these repetitive political cycles. The Supreme Court just ruled not even a few hours ago that former guy is at least partially immune...I don't know the details--I can't right now, for my own sanity. I know enough to be scared for what's ahead.

Don't be too discouraged about Joe's "performance" at the debate. Look at his performance as our President and his record as a human being--not at an hour of his life where he was subjected to the nationally televised verbal assault of an unhinged sociopath and expected to get it just right.

And maybe one of the things that can come from being dragged back down this road of madness in the national spotlight is the recognition of these behaviors and abuses--not just on the debate stage, but in our Family Court System, and even daily lives. No one deserves to be subjected to that. Not me, not you, not our children...and not even the President of the United States of America.

*Assisting my clients with preparation for presenting in court, mediation, or with other court professionals is one of the most valuable things I bring to the table as a coach, as it has the ability to have such a huge impact on the court's perception of who the "problem" is.

**If Joe Biden's team insists on following through with the scheduled future debates, might I suggest a good High Conflict Divorce Coach??? I'm offering my services for free if you'd like to fill out the CONTACT ME form. :)