The "Dominant" Parent Trap

More than once in my life I've suspected that my ex was responding to an online post via my children's accounts. The incorrect usage of common words like there for their and some of the terms were not something you'd expect to get from a teenager (actually any response from a teenager was unexpected). More than once in these responses (which were usually to something regarding a school shooting or gun control--his personal hot buttons), the term "dominant parent" was used to describe what was wrong with the shooter or what the real core problem was--they didn't have a "dominant parent" to teach them right from wrong. Insert eyeroll.

There it is...straight from the abuser's mouth (and even if it was my child who wrote this, we know where the words came from). Dominance. That's their agenda. A quick Google for synonyms for the word dominant brings up ruling, governing, controlling, commanding, supreme, authoritative, superior. They think they are superior and entitled to rule their family like a supreme commander. And that absolutely tracks with my experience.

Go against the supreme leader, pay the price. Outside of the obvious harm of growing up in a home where one of your parents is an inconsistent authoritative dictator, who demands loyalty and compliance at all times, think about what that means for the kids once you leave. They're still living under that authority when they are with him, but now you're not there to soften or provide the security that they need to navigate the inconsistency.

They have already developed coping skills (typically freeze or faun because you can't fight your drunk angry dad). And they don't even know they're doing it because they've been conditioned for their entire young lives. They'll come to your home with behaviors and words that are straight out your abuser's playbook. They are being groomed to extend the abuse and make you pay for leaving and shattering the perfect family image. If you don't understand these responses, or why your kids are behaving the way they are, you won't have the skills to manage it.

You may show up in tears, begging your teenager to tell you why they are treating you like they hate you, only to have them stare blankly and shrug. You take it personally and you feed the false narrative they've been fed that you are the opposite of the "dominant" parent--you are weak. You don't care about their grades in school. Your punishments aren't punitive enough. You just want to be their friend, not their parent.

None of these things are true, of course. That's the trap. Not understanding the mindset of the abuser when it comes to coparenting can be the most harmful piece of leaving. If you think you can just divorce them, and then move on co-parenting as though you both have the best interest of the kids at heart, you are sorely mistaken and your relationship with your kids will suffer.

This "dominant" parent will fill their heads with ideas about who you are...weak, disloyal, money hungry. They will create doubt and false narratives with just a grain of truth to keep the kids confused and questioning their safe parent. It will damage their trust in you. It will chip away at your connection to them.

The good news is that are things you can do to counter this unhealthy and damaging counter parenting. You can show up in your power...you can refute non-truths, without feeding the false narrative. You can be intentional with creating connection and showing up for your child authentically. You create a narrative so strong and so sure that your child can see for themselves who you are and what you represent to them (safety and connection).

Divorcing an abuser is the first step towards a healthier life for you and your kids. Understanding what you'll be dealing with as you co-parent with this person is an essential part of teaching your kids about healthy vs. unhealthy behaviors and can be a game changer for maintaining a healthy connection with your kids.

That abuser is going to be coming at you hard, and those kids are now weapons to use against you. How are you going to respond?

How to coparent with your abuser in a way that counters the narrative they will be pushing and helps your kids navigate the trauma they are experiencing is where my passion is. If you are finding yourself in this unfortunate circumstance, regardless of where you are in the divorce process, I can help you with strategies to stay connected and show up strong for your children when they need you the most. Fill out my contact form for a 20 min consultation.