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If you've been in the narcissistic abuse world long enough, you know what a flying monkey is. It's the narcissist's circle of loyalists that enable them to continue to abuse--and often participate, whether they recognize it or not. They've either never witnessed the mask fall off, or they simply can't let themselves believe that this person could be such a monster (like when they are the parent of said abuser). There is a third option--when a flying monkey knows exactly who the abuser is, but because they personally haven't been affected, or perceive some kind of benefit to themselves, they remain complicit, hoping to gain favor or a least be spared the wrath that they've seen being directed at the abuser's target.
Flying monkeys may start out believing that they are supporting the "good" side. They are good little soldiers--falling in line to defend the ring master, regardless of the chaos that ensues. The flying monkeys believe they will be recognized for their dedication and loyalty, blissfully ignorant to the coming discard. And they will be discarded. Just like every other person that the narcissist has claimed to care about along the way.
When a flying monkey starts to see what's really happening, the narcissist will simply discard them. Their value ceases to exist once the monkey demonstrates they have the capacity to see clearly or to question the narcissist's motives. The monkey may even approach you in the parking lot of Walmart at some point and express sorrow for aligning with the narcissist and for believing their manipulations. You may get a letter from the narcissist's mother, telling you how much she regrets the way her son has treated you over the years and that she was sorry.
It's certainly nice to hear, but it doesn't really change much. The damage has already been done. You've already distanced yourself from the abuser--working to rebuild your life and give your kids a space where they are safe from narcissistic abuse and manipulation. You can't convince flying monkeys any more than you can sit your kids down and explain it to them. They won't believe you and it just creates confusion.
Time. It's the only thing. A narcissist is going to narcissist, whether you're standing in the corner screaming and pointing and calling them a narcissist or not. The monkeys will either see it and believe it, or they won't. You will make yourself crazy trying to convince them.
If you're personally living this, my heart is with you. Save your breath. Stay focused on yourself, healing the parts of you that were lost along the way. Set boundaries and don't let anyone continue to cross them and remain in your inner circle.
In case you've missed it, there's a parallel here--playing out on the national level. The Narcissist-in-Chief just got custody back and the flying monkeys are screeching and throwing shit at each other while they beat their chests and vie for the most important positions in the circus. Many of us see this, but many of "us" are also low-level flying monkeys--who don't want to see what they're seeing. They've covered their eyes and are singing "La-La-La" and hoping that the whole circus tent doesn't collapse on them while the bigger monkeys fight it out. Thoughts and prayers!
Because that tent is coming down. They may get a few shows in before it's completely flat, and the monkeys may get even wilder, but it's coming down. It always does.
I'll just be over here taking care of me and mine, waiting for the monkeys to emerge from the wreckage and come find us in the Walmart parking lot, or get trampled by the elephants as the tent falls down around them. I'm good either way.
*This image is available as a print. Arist is Bill Bell. Click on the photo to purchase.
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