.png)
Sigh. I've had to do a lot of coaching myself in the last 48 hours--radical acceptance, circle of control, breathe in...healing means being triggered...and out...<insert primal scream>. I'm in a momentary lull in the cycle and am hoping I can patch together the thoughts that have been rambling around in my frequently frozen brain and nervous system.
I have often used the former/current president-elect and his presidency as a metaphor for what happens in family court. It mimics what happens to a domestic abuse victim in a grotesquely corrupt system that places children with abusers daily and enables abusers to use their courtrooms as playgrounds for their frivolous filings and delays aimed only at draining their victim financially, as well as emotionally. You get the idea.
I'd said the election represented the custody trial where the abuser takes the protective and primary parent back to court demanding full custody after having been MIA for the last four years of the child's life and coming back in with a few felonies, a public attempt at lynching his last partner, and photos of him hanging out with a known pedophile.
And the judge gave him full custody. Not standard visitation, not 50/50, full reversal of custody.
Exhale. That's not hyperbole in the corrupt family court system either. In fact, I have a client currently living that nightmare. But I don't want to end on that note. I'm just getting you up to speed and want to offer some advice about moving forward if the outcome of this election has you frozen in your trauma response, and/or you're attempting to co-parent with your abuser.
I didn't understand any of my response in 2016. I left my abuser in 2008 and it took me 8 years to realize I even had that kind of healing to do. So much healing. It's been another 8 years and it's still a work in progress. Life is full of cycles of growth, healing, and triggers. I wrote a whole blog about how healing is a labyrinth that you cycle in and out around your main trauma for your whole life. Stuff happens along the path and sometimes you're standing right next to the beast in the middle where you're frozen in fear for a moment (or several thousand) and sometimes you're on the outside edge where you only get a glimpse and keep moving.
I'm definitely somewhere in the inner circle on this one, but I'm definitely not standing next to it like I was in 2016. I have enough space to be able to shout to those of you next to it that you will eventually be able to stand back up and walk away from it a bit. And we'll get through this.
I want to leave you with some thoughts that I have found comforting and advice about how to move through the next few years while we attempt to co-parent with our abusers.
First, the abuser has been and will continue to work overtime to paint you, the healthy parent as the abuser and we have to stop giving that energy trying to prove or defend our position. When a child comes back to us with gnashing teeth and wild accusations, we don't engage. We don't engage in defending ridiculous accusations. We have to recognize that the children are also being abused. They're confused and don't know who to believe. When we spend time and energy defending nonsense, we give it credibility.
He wanted full custody (no he didn't). He's got full custody. He thrives on the conflict. Remove the conflict. Don't engage in the hate. Focus on your bubble. Create loving spaces, connection, memories for you and your children when they are with you. Take care of you so you can show them your strength and the truth of who you are. Shower them with so much healthy love that the lies and hate they're being spoon fed about who you are become easier to discern.
Radical acceptance. We will get through this. Systems are crumbling. I picked up my phone to scroll TikTok a bit (numbing) and saw another video from a bad ass protective mother in Arizona named Erin you should follow her if you're there (@Tales). She has been producing videos calling out corruption in the Maricopa County Family Court system and calling out judges specifically. The video I saw was a response to a comment where someone suggested she be careful that she didn't get sued for libel. Her response was "Please do!" She's basically saying "I don't care anymore. They've taken everything from me and I'm not going to shut up. I will speak my truth."
THAT'S what we do--we use our voices and we NEVER shut up. We don't have to resort to hate. We can speak truth and we can show kindness and love and strength and build community so beautiful and so full of love and connection, that our kids can see the truth for themselves.
And when they come back to us, we let them in quietly, without fanfare and without triggering their shame. It's the only way.
So while we wait for the abuser to have his cake and eat it too (and see if he can keep it down), we can keep speaking truth, we can care for ourselves and those in our inner circles. We can create moments and communities full of love and connection and we can keep showing up for our kids (country).
Because it does matter and it will make a difference, even if it's hard to see at the moment.
Hang in there my friends. My heart is with you. I want to leave you with my favorite quote by Bishop Desmond Tutu: "Do your little bit of good where you are; it's those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world."
Comments